Clients regularly come to us with many fixed ideas, which they then stubbornly defend.
A given fixed idea may be completely stopping clients from moving forward, realizing their dreams, and achieving their goals. On their own, they might never dispute that fixed idea, or even air it. You, as their coach, get to air it with them—which is why even a single session can prove life-altering.
Say that a visual artist has a friend who could get that artist into a prestigious gallery, but only if the artist produced larger paintings. That friend knows the ropes at this gallery and knows two things: that the paintings would be wanted; but only if they were larger.
Let’s call the painter Bob and his painter friend Harry. Harry pleads with Bob to let go of his strange, stubborn adamancy about the size of his paintings. But Bob is having none of it. Bob brings this up in session with his creativity coach, but only in passing, as if the opportunity to show at a prestigious gallery didn’t really matter to him. I would hope that the coach would interrupts Bob’s narrative and ask for a moment.
“Hold on a moment,” the coach might say. “Can we look at that before we rush on?”
“Look at what? There’s nothing to look at,” Bob might reply tersely.
“Let’s take a moment anyway. Is the size of your paintings really that important? Help me understand why that’s so. Is that so important a matter that you intend to pass on this once-in-a-long-while golden opportunity?”
This is a key coaching tactic, to wonder if something is “really that important.” Of course, this is you being directive and “pushy,” because you are rather obviously saying between the lines that you do not believe that this or that really is that important. That is, you are being critical of your client’s choice, which is always a bit edgy. But as edgy as this may be, it is nevertheless valuable—even crucial—to sometimes do.
It can be of so much help to clients to have their adamant—and in your view, unhelpful—positions aired. Take another example. Your client and her brother have inherited a property. Selling it would allow your client to spend two years writing her novel without having to seek out a draining day job. But she refuses to agree to sell it because “that cottage holds so many memories.” Of course, you would be careful in how you say the following, but wouldn’t you want to inquire, “Are those memories really so important, given that you could spend two stress-free years writing your novel?”
Naturally, it matters how you say what you say. If you say, “Is that really so important?” lightly, without attachment, and with a smile, that will be received very differently than if you say it critically, with an edge, and in such a way as to make your client feel wrong. Imagine an actor playing one sort of coach—a friendly, compassionate one—and another actor playing a different sort of coach—a critical, superior one. They might have the same lines to say, but oh what a difference!
This is one of those coaching strategies where experience matters a lot. It may take you a little bit of time, and working with many clients, before you fully learn how to do this “disputing” in the right sort of kind, non-judgmental way. But it is something that is well worth learning. It is rather surprisingly often the case that opening up a client to the possibility that one of her cherished opinions may not be the right opinion turns her life around. The interaction may take hardly a minute, but its positive results might last forever.
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Each week Eric Maisel provides tips on the coaching life. Come to take a look at his three programs with Noble Manhattan Coaching: a Creativity Coach Certificate Program, an Existential Wellness Coach Program and a Relationship Coach Certificate Program.
