If you’re doing relationship coaching with an individual, you know who your client is. It’s him or her. But when you’re working with a couple, who is your client then? It can’t be “the couple,” as that is just a concept or a construct. So, who is your client?
Is it the member of the couple you like the best? That would be very human—but not appropriate. Is it the member of the couple you most identify with? That would also be very human—but not appropriate. Is it the member of the couple whose values you respect the most? Well, that would be human, too. And still not appropriate.
The typical way around this muddle is to try to create “couple’s goals,” which is a way of manufacturing “one client” out of these two human beings. If they both want the same thing, or claim to want the same thing—say, more intimacy, or more skillful communicating, or better parenting skills, etc.—well, that takes care of the matter, doesn’t it?
Not quite.
This is certainly a useful approach, theoretically at least. But practically, the second you deal with any real issue that they are confronting—say, how to parent their teenage daughter who is angry, acting out, and fighting about everything—you will immediately learn that they have very different ideas about what to do. So, they may ostensibly have the same goal, to “do something” about their daughter. But beyond that, they may disagree about everything. At that point—who is your client?
The textbooks say that “the relationship is the client.” So, theoretically, you might inquire of the couple, “What does your relationship need as you navigate this challenge?” or “How have the two of you been communicating during this challenge?” But I think you can see how very unsatisfying such questions would feel, when what the couple desperately wants is some actual help dealing with their daughter.
The answer, simply put, is that both people are your clients, just as two of your friends are both your friends or two of your children are both your children. That is, you are dealing with exactly the same real-world complications when you coach a couple as when you help navigate a disagreement between two friends or help mollify both of your children.
You are fancy dancing, listening, playing crossing guard, mollifying, lightening the gloom, wondering aloud, offering suggestions, asking for clarification, refereeing, reframing, calming, and throughout this fancy dancing trying your best to keep the interests of both partners in your mind and in your heart.
This is fantastic work, just as it is fantastic work to honor the needs, demands, and realities of any two people who must in some sense get on together. This is fantastic work whether its two of your children sharing a room and squabbling over where to draw the line down the middle of the room, across which neither will dare venture, or the members of a couple who are completely out of sorts about their finances and want to blame the other for their household difficulties.
You lead with warmth, compassion, friendliness, and hope. The couple across from you may have lost all hope, about a particular problem or about their relationship in general. But you do not need to share their hopelessness. Over time, you will see what is possible. You will see that sometimes the sea settles after a storm and repairs begin on the storm damage. You will see that sometimes painful resignation becomes calm acceptance. You will see a lot, and all of it human.
As a relationship coach, you will most often be working with just one client, the person who is bringing you his or her relationship issues, goals, and challenges. But sometimes you may work with the couple. You may even decide to specialize in that sort of work, because you find it intricate and fantastic and because you want to be of that sort of help. If that’s you, hat’s off to you! Couples need you.
If you’d like to learn more and really dive into this fascinating territory, please take a look at our Noble-Manhattan Relationship Coach Certificate Program. You might really enjoy it!
Check out Eric Maisel’s transformative courses in collaboration with Noble Manhattan—designed to elevate your coaching journey.
