Today, I met with a young Czech pianist over Zoom. Near the end of our chat, she said an interesting thing: “I was scared to meet with you, but you made me feel very comfortable.”
“Comfortable” is an interesting word, isn’t it? Doesn’t it conjure up an extra pillow, a cup of tea, a measure of sympathy, a gentle smile? Isn’t “Can I make you more comfortable?” a beautiful sentiment?
Haven’t you found yourself in places designed to make you feel uncomfortable? The chairs there are not accidentally uncomfortable, they are pointedly uncomfortable, so that you don’t linger. Eat your fries and move on! Drink your mint latte and off with you! No loitering, please.
Clients want to feel comfortable almost as much as they want to be helped. So much of life makes them feel uncomfortable, from interactions with their boss to jostles on the subway to complaints in their inbox, that they do not need their session with you to also feel uncomfortable. There are brands of therapy where the therapist is meant to provoke discomfort, for certain theoretical reasons, but that is not the coaching way.
Coaches know this. And so, probably no coach is trying to make their client feel uncomfortable on purpose. But many coaches nevertheless do. The main reason is that they are nervous, and this anxiety gets communicated, preventing the client from really settling in—from getting comfy, as it were.
What about in your own life? Do you feel comfortable being scrutinized? Of course not. Then don’t scrutinize clients. Even remarking positively on what your client is wearing or how your client is looking amounts to scrutiny. She may politely reply, “Thank you”—but she hasn’t been made more comfortable by your comment, only more self-conscious.
Does it make you comfortable to have your thoughts, feelings or opinions disputed or dismissed? If someone replies to your observation, “You have that completely wrong,” does that make you feel good? Or does that make you feel wary or angry? Yes, we are obliged to sometimes push back with clients, for their own good; but we can do that in ways that barely raise the temperature. Comfort maintained!
How can you make clients feel comfortable? Well, smile, of course. And maybe begin with a smidgeon of small talk. If it’s the height of summer, begin with “Has it been very hot?” If it’s the depths of winter, begin with “Has it been very cold?” Nothing fancy, nothing brilliant, nothing noteworthy: just a moment’s respite in your client’s taxing day, before the work begins.
Just a version of “Let’s get comfortable.”
What else? Let the client start. If you begin with, “Today we are going to cover a, b, c and d,” your client will feel like a test is beginning. Get your pencil ready! We’re about to start on issue one! Sit up! Whereas if you ask the simple, “What’s on your mind today?” or “Where would you like to begin?”, comfort automatically sets in.
Avoid rushing. Rushing makes clients feel uncomfortable. I remember a time when my wife and I inadvertently got on the first-class car of European train when we were meant for second class. The irate conductor rushed us the length of the train crying “Vite! Vite!” (“Quickly! Quickly!”), with us and our luggage in tow. It was not her intention to make us feel comfortable, and we surely didn’t.
In session, there is no need to rush; and if silence is what is wanted, then silence is what is wanted. A welcome mat or a “No trespassing!” sign? A purring cat or a barking dog? We know what makes us feel comfortable and what makes us feel uncomfortable. Let’s incorporate that knowledge into our work with clients. “Hello. Come in. Make yourself comfortable.” How easy is that?
Check out Eric Maisel’s transformative courses in collaboration with Noble Manhattan—designed to elevate your coaching journey.
